Christmas is coming — a time of peace, harmony, brotherly and sisterly love. What are those things anyway?
As a free public service, I’m going to tell you what we must do to make America peaceful again and save the soul of our nation. It’s an idea I urge Democrats, Republicans, Bolsheviks, Maoists, Libertarians, Reds and Greens to embrace before it’s too late. It’s my secret formula for peace on Earth, good will toward living creatures.
With the guidance of our government, or what’s left of it, and the support of Hollywood, Alec Baldwin, professional athletes, Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald and the New York Times editorial board, it’s time to ..shut down the internet. Yes, SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET immediately, if not sooner!
Before you start cursing and throw your newspaper in the recycling bin or kitty litter box, hear me out. (Nowadays, all of us have hair-trigger tempers.) I have absolutely no idea who is responsible for pulling the plug, but for the benefit of humanity, that individual should do it ASAP. Then, I will personally nominate them for the Nobel Peace Prize … because this sorry planet will not have peace until someone shuts the internet down.
Many people will go into hysterics, including Chelsea Handler, who won’t be able to post nude photos anymore, along with Al Gore, who invented the internet. Little did he know back when he was designing the internet in his basement where it would lead. He thought global warming was a big threat. With global warming, we probably have three, maybe four years left, but with the internet, I don’t think we’ll see the ball come down on New Year’s Eve.
This world will be a far better place without Twitter, Instagram, Tinder, TikTok, TokTik, Facebook, Amazon, Google, Yahoo, Hooyah, texting, online shopping, and every other distraction that has crept into our lives like black mold. Pull the plug. I’m sick of celebrities taking selfies!
The younger generation will need counseling to get through the withdrawal, but in the long run, it will be better for them, not to mention the stock market. Big Tech companies will resist this idea and probably censor my column, but Big Tech is already a threat to life as we knew it.
With no internet, the cancel culture will be cancelled. And all those politicians, journalists and celebrities who share their dumb thoughts on Twitter will have to start using postcards. We will live in peace … at least until Super Bowl Sunday.
You’re probably grumbling, “How does this nitwit get to say these things in America, where we’re supposed to regulate free speech?”
Before someone does an internet background check on me, I should confess I’m addicted. I spend hours on the internet every day. What’s even crazier is I consider that productive use of my time.
Let’s be honest. The internet is a cyclotron for anger, hate and misinformation. Friends and foes — and friends who became foes because of politics — keep sending me stories I don’t want to read. Then, some dimwit tweets a hateful comment that gets retweeted by 13 million other dimwits, and before you know it, everybody is rioting peacefully.
The bad news is I’ll have to start using a dictionary and encyclopedia again, not to mention a phone book, if I can find one. Even worse, I’ll no longer have access to my neighbor’s police record.
The good news is the economy will improve. All those newsstands, record stores, bookstores and clothing stores will come back, and trillionaire Jeff Bezos will go broke because no one will be using Amazon. Then, we can spread Jeff’s trillions around so the little people can make a living and send their kids to college for free.
This also means social justice advocates like Jimmy Kimmel can rest in the assurance that photos of them in blackface won’t be available for viewing on the internet anymore. There’s an old saying: He who lives by the internet dies by the internet.
OK. I’m willing to compromise. OK. I’m willing to compromise. Let’s at least shut it down until after Christmas and then we can resume where we left off.
Joe Pisani can be reached at [email protected]